I feel the need to type some deep words. To offer my soul a bit of introspective. I intended to express my thoughts on people who have to do huge, life-alterinig things for the purpose of “finding themselves” and how God will show us who He wants us to be, we just have to look. In my thoughts about my thoughts (does that make sense?), my heart started aching a little. You see, I was feeling pretty good about how I don’t need a big gesture in order to find who I am – I’m doing a pretty good job just living my life and satisfied right here where I am, but when I am really honest, I’m not. I am, but I’m not. It’s so difficult for me to find a balance that allows me to be present and complete in this moment yet still look forward for the one that is to come.
Ben and I have been trudging through some muck lately. I’m so thankful for who he is, even though he drives me crazy sometimes. It is such a blessing to have a partner who you can be open with. Someone I trust enough to let him see even the ugly parts of me. Painted Grey is recording their first album right now, and they are pretty sure they are going to name it “We Wage War” (which is officially a secret, but I don’t think anyone reads this blog, so I think me spilling the beans is OK). The song “We Wage War” is about the wars we fight in relationships and it’s pretty fitting that Ben is designing the concept for the album cover. While brainstorming for an idea for the artwork, I saw a picture of a battle field covered with the ravages of war. Wounded ground, covered with the remnants of gunpowder and artillery shells, ashy smoke rising over the dark scene, a field wrecked with the wages of war. In the midst of the pain-soaked land is a couple standing in the midst of the now still chaos holding hands. I feel like that is where Ben and I are. Yes, the battle is not as fresh and the wounds are not as open, but we are there nonetheless.
We saw Eat, Pray, Love last night and to be honest, we were a little disappointed. I was because I read the book and it was so much better, Ben was because of the reason why the woman left her husband (it was very simplified in the movie). At one point, during their first negotiations for their divorce the husband cries out to his wife something like (I can’t remember the exact words) “how can you just pick up and leave the moment you decide that what we want is too different to work thorough?” Ben was so offended that the woman chose to leave her husband because they wanted different things in life. You see, my husband is so loyal. He believes I am his wife. Forever. No if’s, and’s or but’s. We took vows and we’re in this for reals. That does not mean that we are disillusioned by the perfect vision of our life we both saw as we said those vows. This does not mean that we are always on the same page or that we both want the same things for our life. It simply means that whatever the case, we are in this thing together. We do want different things, but more than anything, we want to be true to the path that the Lord put us one. The one that put us together. As we said last night, I could have married a man that wanted to have babies right away, but just because his wants would match mine wouldn’t mean that he was the perfect fit for me. I have my perfect match, but we sure don’t match perfectly. Does that make sense?
So now, I’m standing here in this midst of the battle we’re waging. Though it’s currently calm, it’s real. This life, this love, is something we’re fighting for. Our days aren’t always easy and the heaviness of real life is sometimes overwhelming, but we’re here, in the midst and we’re together. Holding hands in the middle.
Together, we wage war.