Jesus put the ache to be a mother in my heart a long time ago. Even as a little girl, when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d say “a stay-at-home mom!” There was never any doubt for me. I would be a mama. Jesus gave me that desire, and I never doubted he would fulfill it.
Earlier this week I read a blog entry about worry. Kelly wrote about worry being a sin because it is you not trusting God. I thought about what she had wrote and something about it sat with me for a while. I started thinking I was in a good place in regards to worry, because I don’t worry about having kids. I trust that someday He will give them to me. I trust I will be a mom. But, all of a sudden, I realized how naive my thinking was: Sure, I may believe I will have children one day, but I certainly worry about the timeline. I may not think my impatience and anxiousness as worry, but it is an act of not trusting God with His plan for my life, and therefore, it is a sin.
I was pretty convicted and spent a lot of time having a one-way conversation with God. “But God, I want a baby so badly, please just make this be the time.” and “Please God, give me patience to wait for your timing – and please let your timing be soon.”
And then, I heard Him tell me to stop being so silly and start listening.
Jesus gave me desire to be a mama. He created my heart with a specific purpose, part of which is to love my sweet babies. He will give me children at just the right, most perfect time. His time, not mine.
I am doing no good sitting here wishing I had a baby or worrying about when or if we should make one. Sufficient is the day it’s own trouble! Why create something for my mind to fret about when I know that the promises He has made will be fulfilled in His own (perfect) time.
So, now, I have been focusing my prayers differently: “God, please use me in this time in my life to do your will. Please take this desire you created within me to serve others best as I wait for children of my own. Please help me live as well as you have intended for me in this specific season. I believe you have babies waiting for me, please change my heart and prepare it for loving a precious little one. Please help me to serve my husband as well as I can and to fully enjoy this time of loving just him. Please forgive my anxiousness. Thank you for this beautiful, sweet, lovely life you have given me. Thank you for giving me a future I am so excited about, but please help me to not miss out on the blessings you have in store for me today.”
I have so much to learn, and my faith has so much more to grow, but thankfully, our God is a loving, faithful, forgiving God and He will never leave me nor forsake me. What a wonderful, amazing, mind-blowing concept that He cares for the desires of my heart, even the ones that involve squishy, squirmy lumps of love like this:
And, while I waiting and learning to really trust, I am enjoying borrowing other people’s babies (such as the beautiful little missy above) and loving on them until I have to give them back.