In keeping with my post from a few days ago, I’ve been continuing to pray for my (our) future in a better way. I’ve been reminding myself (frequently) to let go of anxiousness regarding a timeline and to remember to trust God’s perfect timing.
I wish my instinct to pray came before my instinct to worry. Gotta keep praying about it I guess.
I love that our God is so faithful. I love that He gives me little bits of encouragement, even though I’ve done nothing to deserve it.
Tonight Ben asked me what I thought about having a baby. He was expecting me to have some hesitation and a desire to wait a little longer after having watching two babies for a week. He was a bit taken aback when I told him I wanted it now more than ever. He said something about we shouldn’t decide to have a baby until it is what I wanted most, and he became quiet when tears filled my eyes and I said “it is what I want more than absolutely anything in the whole world.” He heard the weight, yearning, and readiness in my voice.
I told him about my anxiousness being a sin and about how I have been praying the past week – specifically how my prayers and heart has been changing and I have been more conscious to decide to trust instead of worry.
We talked about how important it will be for my income to become the secondary one and for him to have a primary income. I told him how I can envision struggling with putting his needs before our baby’s and that I want him to always know that he will come first in my heart and he will always be my priority (of course, our baby’s immediate needs will often take precedence, but being a faithful wife is such a part of being a faithful mom, in my opinion). We talked about what we need to get in order before we make a decision and we talked about how God will give us this gift when we are most ready for it.
The amazing thing about our conversation tonight though, was not in anything we discussed. It is the faithfulness of Jesus. My faith is not built around acts or “proof” of His promises or abilities. Faith is not about seeing, it is simply about believing, evidence or not. Despite that, Jesus give us little pieces to chew on and to hold onto. He’s given me many throughout my life, all seemingly insignificant, but so profound to me. Ben and I have talked about having a baby many times before, but this conversation, I believe, was directly related to the conversations Jesus and I have been having this week. It was His was of telling me to keep trusting Him. Keep being faithful to remember He is in control and He will give me a baby in His time.
Be anxious for nothing.