The Story Has Already Been Written (Surrendering)

How appropriate that just as I start this post the song “I Surrender” comes onto my Pandora radio. I have never heard it before, but I guess it’s exactly what I need to hear right now. Wow. Thank you Jesus.

Yesterday, after finally calling my midwife, I had a follow up appointment with the Perinatologist. Actually, it was a new one, which was good because I sure did not like the first one I saw – but that’s beside the point. I knew that the PNP would want to start monitoring. That’s what the western side of medicine does: Tests. Medicine. Intervention.

I first met with the resident and a student. They measured my growth (perfect) and felt my belly and estimated baby girl to be about 5 – 5.5 pounds (perfect). They looked at my blood sugar log and were happy with my control, aside from the week in which I was not sleeping at all and they were higher than usual.

Then the attending came in, because really, the resident can’t make any changes from their standard plan without the attending’s input. I wanted to know what kind of monitoring they wanted for me. He suggested bi-weekly NST starting now. He was fine with not doing another ultrasound, but he really felt NSTs were important. I asked about doing weekly instead of bi-weekly, to which he responded that he couldn’t make me do anything, and that I would have do to whatever I felt was right, but the purpose of the testing was to prevent stillbirth.

I lost count of the times he said stillbirth.

Of course I’ll do the stupid tests if it will prevent my baby from dying! Duh! I guess even with my good sugar control, my placenta is at a greater risk of breaking down sooner and not providing baby with the support she needs. In theory, the NST will test to see how she is responding to my body’s current conditions. I don’t really know why they start them so early, but they really are minimally invasive, so maybe they’re not worth my worrying over.

The next thing we talked about was induction. From my research, women with GD are typically not allowed to stay pregnant after 39 weeks. As the doctor said, “research shows that chances of stillbirth [because of the placenta breaking down] are higher after 39 weeks, and much higher after 40 weeks.”

Boom. There it was. For the safety of my baby, I will/should not be pregnant until 40 weeks. I do not feel strongly enough about having an intervention free labor to put my baby at risk. Yes, in my ideal scenario, I would be pregnant until I go into labor on my own and then I’ll naturally push out my little girl, easy peasy. However, when her safety is in question, the simple truth is: I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure I have a healthy baby.

Ben and I talked about it a lot, and, pending a discussion with my MW on Monday (my next appointment), we’ll plan for an induction at 39 weeks. Whatever is best for the baby.

I have been thinking a lot about this for the past 24 hours and wrapping my head around induction when all of a sudden I realized I had completely ruled out the possibility of going into labor on my own in my mind. Women go into labor before 39 weeks on their own all the time! Honestly, that wasn’t even an option in my mind!

I immediately was reminded that God has this baby, her birth, my pregnancy, our family in the palm of His hands. And, just like He has told me since I saw that sweet plus sign so many weeks ago, He has plans for our family. Plans to grow us, prosper us and bless us. This baby’s birth has already been written, and truthfully, gestational diabetes has no impact on it. Maybe I’ll be closed up tight until 39 weeks and I’ll need Pitocin to get my labor going. Maybe I’ll wake up a few days before that to my water breaking and I’ll start labor on my own. Maybe my body won’t respond at all and I’ll need a C-section. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

What is a for sure though, is that God has it all planned.

What I need to work on now, is continuing to trust His plan. To let it work out the way He intended it to. To believe that He loves this baby (and her mama) more than I am capable of and He will keep her…us…safe.

Lord Jesus, please forgive my doubt and my worries. Take away my anxieties and need to control the situation. Please help me to trust Your plan. Help me to have peace. Please fill my heart and my head with Your peace. Help me to surrender my worries, fears, anxieties and doubts to you. Please help me to surrender my birth to You, my baby to You, my future to You. Lord, you have promised me many times that You have plans to prosper my family – thank You. Thank you Jesus for never failing. Despite my continued lack of faith, You deliver. You are so faithful Jesus, please help me to be more like You. Please help me to surrender everything to you. Thank you for knowing the future. Thank you for my family. Thank you for the sweet girl inside my womb. Thank you for her daddy, who I love so much. Thank you for the promises you have made for us, thank you for the gifts and overwhelming blessings. Thank you for You, Jesus. Amen.

“I Surrender” by Hillsong

With arms stretched wide, I know you hear my cry

Speak to me now, speak to me now.

I surrender, I surrender

I want to know you more, I want to know you more

I surrender, I surrender

I want to know you more, I want to know you more

Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within

Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me

Like a mighty storm stuck within my soul,

Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me

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2 thoughts on “The Story Has Already Been Written (Surrendering)

  1. Childbirth (and the process leading up to it) is so tedious … there are so many things that are outside of our control – how the pregnancy will go (GD for you, borderline low fluid for me, etc), when you will go into labor, all of it. You are doing such an amazing job being informed and you are clearly doing your due diligence to make sure that your little girl is healthy and brought into this world in the best way possible. I hope and pray you can have the type of delivery you want to have, but you’re right … in the end, it’s about safely delivering your little girl and bringing her into this world. I hope that can happen naturally for you, but either way, you have so much to be proud of!

  2. Pingback: Baking BabyBigTime: 36 Weeks | Blessed Beyond Measure

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